For the last three years, I’ve been pretty comprehensively broken. Only in the last month or two (since some therapy) am I starting to consider myself mildly as a worthwhile human being.
I have processed many different plans for ending my existence. I know the lethal dose of aspirin for someone of my mass. It’s a lot of tablets. Paracetamol too. Nitrogen is a little easier and less prone to fuck ups, though regulation of delivery is an issue.
There are a number of plans involving weights and sharp objects with levers with hinges. Too fiddly, but possibly interesting to build.
Tall buildings have been intriguing, especially those with palisade fencing at the base. Trains are out as they affect too many others. Water is a no as it’s usually effing cold. Have you tried the Thames in summer? Fuck that.
I don’t like having any of this knowledge or memories of how it came about to start thinking about it. It does seem to be my nature, though. And as inherently all data is good I should embrace it while not using it.
I am having trouble moving on. Questions abound, that most likely will never be answered. I often feel empty. I have retreated in the past into alcohol and video games, not always at the same time. The end result is no memory for the former (including many bad decisions), overly tired eyes for the latter (a common problem after 8 hours staring at an avatar exploring procedurally generated worlds or a mostly unchanging desert wilderness). I have to admit, some of the games have had some amazing stories and experiences.
It might have been better if I had retreated into books. I did that in my early teens. It didn’t help. But did also result in some amazing stories and a lot of dead trees to move. Yes, I have a Kindle. Very good it is too. (Aside, my favourites in no order are Friday, Icequake, Footfall and The Forever War, though Consider Phlebas, Pandora’s Star, Eon, Neuromancer and Xanth series are also influential). There is also a place for such items as Myth Conceptions. Conceptions.
Lately I’m watching Tested videos and stuff from Adam Savage and thinking... I want to be able to do that. But with no motivation and self belief, from feeling empty, this is difficult. I am slowly getting there, though..
Lately I’ve found it difficult to engage with groups of people, especially those I don’t know. Essentially, I have a crisis in my head where all the negative scenarios play out simultaneously. A maelstrom of people, feelings and scenarios that resembles a tornado with all the terrible things whirling around like ground glass, grinding away swiftly at any rationality. The end result is a finely honed but wide tower of abject fear and uncertainty that then paralyses, needing retreat to a quiet safe place to untangle for hours, with inevitable feelings of how selfish and terrible I’ve been, which is of no help what so ever.
I’d like to be able to build a suit of mirrors, an autonomous camera drone, a smart voice and device controlled home, things to help others, if I could. Only my confidence (or lack of) stops me there..
Move on I must, though, for my own sanity. My position is no where nearly as terrible as some people I know, or as has been in the past. And I feel bad for their state, but still I try to reach out and help.
Where do I go from here? I hope somewhere positive. I don’t like being a grumpy cynic no one wants to talk to.
In general, it’s not considered OK for men to say these kinds of things. Why is that?
We are fortunate to exist in a place where most of us are OK and able to cope. But those that are able, please think of those less able or fortunate, and help where you can.
Dear Santa...